Inspiring Thru Quotes

Funny Quotes

“A bank is a place where they lend you an umbrella in fair weather and ask for it back when it begins to rain.”  Robert Frost

“A woman is like a tea bag – you never know how strong she is until she gets in hot water.”  Eleanor Roosevelt

“Advice is what we ask for when we already know the answer but wish we didn’t.”  Erica Jong

“An eye for an eye makes the whole world blind.”  Gandhi

“When someone is impatient and says, “I haven’t got all day,” I always wonder, How can that be? How can you not have all day?”   George Carlin

“A fanatic is one who can’t change his mind and won’t change the subject.”  Winston Churchill

“Always and never are two words you should always remember never to use.”  Wendell Johnson

“Always forgive your enemies – nothing annoys them so much.”  Oscar Wilde

“Beauty isn’t worth thinking about; what’s important is your mind. You don’t want a fifty-dollar haircut on a fifty-cent head.”  Garrison Keillor

“By the time you’re eighty years old you’ve learned everything. You only have to remember it.”  George Burns

“By working faithfully eight hours a day, you may get to be a boss and work twelve hours a day.”  Robert Frost

“Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.”  Mark Twain

“Consider the postage stamp, my son. It secures success through its ability to stick to one thing till it gets there.”  Josh Billings

“Experience is the name everyone gives to their mistakes.”  Oscar Wilde

“For some strange reason, no matter where I go, the place is always called ‘here’.”  Ashleigh Brilliant

“He who laughs last probably didn’t get the joke.”  Author Unknown

“I am nobody. Nobody is perfect. Therefore I am perfect.”  Author Unknown

“I don’t understand why Cupid was chosen to represent Valentine’s Day. When I think about romance, the last thing on my mind is a short, chubby toddler coming at me with a weapon.”  Author Unknown

“I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.”  Groucho Marx

“I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.”  Noel Coward

“I recently read that love is entirely a matter of chemistry. That must be why my wife treats me like toxic waste.”  David Bissonnett

“The reason I talk to myself is that I’m the only one whose answers I accept.” George Carlin

“I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They’ve experienced pain and bought jewelry.”  Rita Rudner

“I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous – everyone hasn’t met me yet.”  Rodney Dangerfield

“I’d much rather be a woman than a man. Women can cry, they can wear cute clothes, and they are the first to be rescued off of sinking ships.”  Gilda Radner

“If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?”  Author Unknown

“If you can remain calm, you don’t have all the facts.”  Author Unknown

“If you want something said, ask a man; if you want something done, ask a woman.”  Margaret Thatcher

“If you rest, you rust.”  Helen Hayes

“People who say they don’t care what people think are usually desperate to have people think they don’t care what people think.”  George Carlin

“I’m an excellent housekeeper. Every time I get a divorce, I keep the house.”  Zsa Zsa Gabor

“It’s better to live one day as a lion, than a hundred as a sheep.”  Benito Mussollini

“My theory is that if you look confident you can pull off anything – even if you have no clue what you’re doing.”  Jessica Alba

“Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.”  Erma Bombeck

“Of all the things I’ve lost, I miss my mind the most.”  Mark Twain

“One of the keys to happiness is a bad memory.”  Rita Mae Brown

“Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.”  Oscar Wilde

“The ability to quote is a serviceable substitute for wit.”  Somerset Maugham

“The advantage of a bad memory is that one enjoys several times the same good things for the first time.”  Friedrich Nietzsche

“The elevator to success is out of order. You’ll have to use the stairs… one step at a time.”  Joe Girard

“The difference between perseverance and obstinacy is that one often comes from a strong will, and the other from a strong won’t.”  Henry Ward Beecher

“The first law of dietetics seems to be: if it tastes good, it’s bad for you.”  Issac Asimov

“The hardest years in life are those between ten and seventy.”  Helen Hayes (at 73)

“Some people see things that are and ask, Why? Some people dream of things that never were and ask, Why not? Some people have to go to work and don’t have time for all that.”  George Carlin

“The nicest thing about quotes is that they give us a nodding acquaintance with the originator which is often socially impressive.”  Kenneth Williams

“To be happy with a man you must understand him a lot and love him a little. To be happy with a woman you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.”  Helen Rowland

“Until I was 13, I thought my name was ‘Shut Up.’ ”  Joe Namath

“When I was young I was called a rugged individualist. When I was in my fifties I was considered eccentric. Here I am doing and saying the same things I did then and I’m labeled senile.”  George Burns

“We don’t stop playing because we grow old; We grow old because we stop playing.”  George Bernard Shaw

“We spend the first twelve months of our children’s lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.”  Phyllis Diller

“When everyone thinks alike, no one thinks very much.”  Walter Lippmann

“When in doubt, make a fool of yourself. There is a microscopically thin line between being brilliantly creative and acting like the most gigantic idiot on earth. So, what the hell, leap!”  Cynthia Heimel

“Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?”  George Carlin

“When women are depressed they either eat or go shopping. Men invade another country.”  Elayne Boosler

“Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.”  George Carlin

“Whether women are better than men I cannot say—but I can say they are certainly no worse.”  Golda Meir

“Why get married and make one man miserable when I can stay single and make thousands miserable?”  Carrie Snow

“Wise men talk because they have something to say. Fools talk because they have to say something.”  Plato

“Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.”   Jim Carrey

“Woman are meant to be loved, not to be understood.”  Oscar Wilde

“Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month that I can be myself.”  Roseanne Barr

“Inside every cynical person, there is a disappointed idealist.”   George Carlin

“Before I do anything, I think, well what hasn’t been seen. Sometimes, that turns out to be something ghastly and not fit for society. And sometimes that inspiration becomes something that’s really worthwhile.”   Jim Carrey

“I think my securities far outweigh my insecurities. I am not nearly as afraid of myself and my imagination as I used to be.”  Billy Connolly

“Desperation is a necessary ingredient to learning anything, or creating anything. Period. If you ain’t desperate at some point, you ain’t interesting. ” Jim Carrey



 

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